The Swedish Chef Interviews Zaahir Syed

BY ZAAHIR SYED | DEEPTHOUGHTYOURSELF STAFF WRITER

The Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, Orn desh, dee born desh, de umn. Børk! Børk! Børk!
Swedish Translator: *shoulder shrug* I have no idea what this guy is saying. I don’t even think he speaks Swedish.
Zaahir: Is Swedish even a language?
Swedish Translator: Yeah, it’s a language.
Zaahir: You sure about that? What’re Norwegian and Scandinavian?
Swedish Translator: Norwegian is a language. Scandinavia is a region. Norwegian, Swedish, Danish and Finnish are all Scandinavian languages.
Zaahir: Get outta town!
Swedish Translator: No joke.
Zaahir: Guess you learn new things every day. By the way, what’s your name?
Swedish Translator: Percy.
Zaahir: Percy what? I like giving people nicknames that incorporate both their given name and surname.
Percy: Just Percy. My father’s real last name was Blank but I thought it would be ironic if I legally deleted my last name. So people would be like “Percy blank,” when they addressed me, but I wouldn’t have to write it out. Makes signature writing so much easier. I’m also a poor typer, so hitting shift to capitalize letters is really tough. Sometimes I use caps lock, but that gets repetitive, and I have calluses.
Zaahir: It’s typist.
Percy: What?
The Swedish Chef: Børk! Børk! Børk!
Zaahir: (startled) Good God!
Percy: (startled) Sweet Jesus! (addressing The Swedish Chef) What the hell is the matter with you?
Zaahir: You sure he’s not speaking Swedish, I mean he is The Swedish Chef.
Percy: Definitely not. Homeboy’s using miniscules (ø). That’s not even in the Swedish alphabet.
Zaahir: What?
Percy: Miniscules aren’t in the Swedish alphabet.
Zaahir: What are you talking about?
Percy: Miniscules.
Zaahir: Not that important? Alright. Whatever. And it’s “typist” not “typer”.
Percy: What?
Zaahir: Like 2 minutes ago you said you were a “poor typer,” when you should have said a “poor typist.” I’m a grammar fiend, so stuff like that annoys me.
Percy: Grammar fiend? You don’t even know what a miniscule is.
Zaahir: What does that even mean? Whatever dude, you’re paid to translate languages. That’s your job. You’re grasp of the English language should be better than that. I don’t even speak well and I knew that “typer” wasn’t a word.
Percy: Give me a break! This isn’t my career. I’m doing this on the side while I…
Zaahir: (interrupting) Yeah I don’t care. Kind of like when you told me about your calluses. Just unnecessary information.
Percy: Yeah we better wrap this up. You’re a dick and I don’t even know if I’m going to get paid for this.
Zaahir: Settle down Perce. I care about your calluses. You should use Lubriderm.
Perce: Yeah that’s pricey stuff. Considering I’m not getting paid for this, I’m sticking with the Carmex. Don’t call me Perce.
Zaahir: The lip balm? Hold up. Perce, why aren’t you getting paid for this?
Perce: I haven’t translated a word of this interview, I get paid per word. I’m not even sure if this guy had any questions in mind for this interview. I don’t even think he knows why he’s here. And stop with the Perce.
Zaahir: It looks like he has a piece of paper in his hand with some notes. Maybe he did have some questions.
Percy: (glancing at The Swedish Chef’s piece of paper) Yeah, those are lyrics to “Tuning Japanese.”
Zaahir: Seriously? The Swedish Chef likes The Vapors?
Percy: This guy is so bizarre. Aren’t the lyrics to that song all the same anyways?
Zaahir: I think so. I really think so.
Percy: Funny.
Zaahir: I try. You know what, if you want to bounce I’m gonna kick it with TSC for a little bit still. This whole idea that he likes “Turning Japanese” is far too absurd for me to leave. I think I’m going to try to interview him.
Percy: In Japanese?
Zaahir: I don’t know.