Staff Writer Morgan Barclay interviews himself hard

BY MORGAN BARCLAY | DEEPTHOUGHTYOURSELF STAFF WRITER

Question: When did you first start writing?
Answer: I think I was 2, but I can’t be quite sure. I would have to ask my Mom, but I know the first word I said was “discombobulated.”

Question: No way! Use that word in a sentence.
Answer: No problem. “The Spanish hecklers ironically pelted the discombobulated soccer player from England with metal shin guards.”

Question: Speaking of England, were you good at English in High School or College?
Answer: Well, funny you ask; I actually cheated on a Macbeth test my junior year of high-school and got caught. That is when I knew I would never be good thief, but I didn’t rule out writing or the English Language. I don’t remember College.

Question: What is your favorite domestic animal and why?
Answer: Well, most people know that I have a passion for cats. Now, I do think there should be a cat ownership limit of two – much like China has stipulations on child bearing. Next question please.

Question: Do you consider yourself an Alpha Male?
Answer: No. I’m actually a Beta Male. Beta Theta Pi was my fraternity while attending the University of Washington, and I always thought the Alpha’s sucked. However, I would say that when I approach puppies they tend to whimper into submission and pee themselves after I have made my presence felt. Maybe I am a hybrid?

Question: What is your favorite color?
Answer: Periwinkle

Question: You are over 30 now, so why aren’t you married?
Answer: I know that approximately 50% of marriages don’t work, but I just don’t know which 50%. Get it. Kind of like advertising. You don’t know which 50% of your advertising works. Anyway…

Question: Kind of dodging the question – don’t you think?
Answer: Yup. I would like to have a reception some day though; with a full open bar that never shuts down.

Question: What was your favorite part of growing up?
Answer: Bottle Rocket fights at the Ocean, until I got hit by one. We then turned to Roman Candles fights, which were seemingly less dangerous at the time, until I got hit by one.

Question: Are you ever serious?
Answer: I can be, but being serious bores me. I think people are too serious – and they need to start living like they are going to die tomorrow. I knew a guy that died, and he said that if he could do it all over again – he would have had partied like it was 1999. Most people don’t believe that I talked to this guy because he was dead, but those people obviously haven’t seen the “6th Sense”, starring Bruce Willis. FYI, I totally knew Bruce Willis was dead way before most people figured it out.

Question: Are you scared of Death and/or Dieing?
Answer: Hmmm…I would be scared of knowing in advance, so I think I would be that person in the movies that screams “I don’t want to die! I don’t want to die!” Now, if I got hit by a meteorite next week, I would be pissed, but I am guessing I wouldn’t have much time for that: being pissed that is. Either way, I don’t walk around looking up in the sky for meteorites; nor do I think that Asteroid (1997) was a good made-for-tv-movie.

Question: What is your favorite book?
Answer: “Where's Waldo??” I always find him fast.

Question: What really pisses you off or makes you mad?
Answer: The show M.A.S.H., Tony Danza, and even numbered scales. I am not a big fan of Paul Newman’s dressing on my fries either.

Question: Was it weird interviewing yourself?
Answer: Definitely, but right up my alley.

Question: What was the hardest question you asked yourself today?
Answer: Strangely enough, it was the color question you threw at me. I really didn’t see that one coming; I like so many colors it was hard to pick just one. I also like green. The color green.

Question: Is there any question I didn’t ask you today that you were hoping I would ask?
Answer: Yeah. I was kind of hoping you would ask me what I would do if I had 3 “no rule” wishes. My answer: I would wish for more wishes with my first wish; then go crazy after that.