Suri Cruise-Holmes Interviews Brian Williamson
BY BRIAN WILLIAMSON | DEEPTHOUGHTYOURSELF STAFF WRITER
Cruise-Holmes: Good afternoon. So…
Williamson: Wait a minute. You’re interviewing me?
Cruise-Holmes: Yeah.
Williamson: You’re 3 weeks old!
Cruise-Holmes: So, I’m young. What’d you want, Barbara Walters?
Williamson: No, but jeezus, you’re a #$%^ing baby! Tom Cruise’s
baby at that.
Cruise-Holmes: Spare me the “big star” crap, will ya? I’ve
heard it for weeks.
Williamson: Forget the “big star” stuff. I’m amazed
you can talk!
Suddenly the door opens and Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt’s
baby, Shiloh, enters and has a seat.
Jolie-Pitt: Sawubona (African Dialect for “hello”)
Cruise-Holmes: Oh, here we go.
Jolie-Pitt: Shut up bitch.
Williamson: You talk too?!
Jolie-Pitt: Yeah, what’d you expect?
Williamson: Oh I don’t know, maybe baby stuff! Ya know, like wearing
a diaper, crying, drooling…
Jolie-Pitt lights up a cigarette.
Williamson: Holy shit, you smoke?!
Jolie-Pitt: It helps keep the weight off. I don’t want to get
fat like this one (pointing at Cruise Holmes).
Cruise-Holmes: I am not fat!
Jolie-Pitt: Yeah, neither is Oprah.
Williamson: Wait a minute. You guys know eachother?
Jolie-Pitt: Yeah, we met in Italy last week. My parents were selling
my photos to the press and this hideous creature was there with daddy
promoting Mission Impossible 46.
Williamson: She’s not hideous; she’s a newborn. People always
lie about it to the parents, but everyone knows newborns are ugly for
the first few weeks.
Jolie-Pitt: Not me.
Cruise-Holmes: Yeah, right! Look at your lips. You look like a cartoon.
Jolie-Pitt: A hot cartoon.
Williamson: Guys, please. I thought this was going to be an interview
about me.
Jolie-Pitt: Why? Who are your parents?
Williamson: They’re not famous, but they’re great people.
They taught me…
The girls interrupt, roaring with laughter.
Cruise-Holmes: Ha! Yeah, his parents aren’t famous.
Jolie-Pitt: Neither are yours really.
Cruise-Holmes: Sure they are.
Jolie-Pitt: No, your dad is famous, but your mom sure as hell isn’t.
Katie Holmes is a terrible actress.
Cruise-Holmes: Well, she’s a great mother!
Jolie-Pitt: Ha! (Pointing at Brian) Now you’re starting to sound
like him.
Cruise-Holmes: Well, at least I don’t have AIDS!
Jolie-Pitt: Watch your mouth bitch. Don’t talk shit about Africa!
Cruise-Holmes: Famine, disease - blah, blah, blah. We’ve heard
it all a million times.
Jolie-Pitt: Well you’ll hear it a million more times, until something’s
done about it.
Cruise-Holmes: Whatever, go listen to a U2 song.
Williamson: I love U2!
Jolie-Pitt: Fuck off! Bono and my dad have led the ONE campaign to do
great things for Africa…
Cruise-Holmes: Yawn! Go play with Maddox. We’re bored with you.
Jolie-Pitt: Oh you think you’re real funny, huh Mapother?
Cruise-Holmes: Stop it!
Jolie-Pitt: Yeah that’s right.
Williamson: What are you talking about?
Jolie-Pitt: She didn’t tell you? Her dad’s real last name
isn’t Cruise. It’s Mapother. Thomas Cruise Mapother the
IV. Ha! What a nerd.
Williamson: Who cares?
Mapother-Holmes: I do. Who told you that? Who told you that name?
Jolie-Pitt: Don’t remember.
Mapother-Holmes: Seriously, tell me who said that.
Jolie-Pitt: Okay, okay, I’ll tell you - it was…Santa Clause.
Mapother-Holmes: I want the truth!
Williamson AND Jolie-Pitt: “You can’t handle the truth!!!”
The two start cracking up and high five each other while Suri Cruise(Mapother)-Holmes
stands up, rips off her mic, and storms out of the room.
Jolie-Pitt: Yeah that’s right, run away like your dad did to
Nicole Kidman!
Mapother-Holmes: (from outside) Fuck off!
Jolie-Pitt: You complete me!
Williamson: Ha. I can’t believe that just happened. Barely out
of the woom and you’re already rivals.
Jolie-Pitt: Rivals my ass. That girl’s a pushover. With a nutjob
for a mom and a high school drop-out religious freak for a dad, chances
are slim she’ll amount to much.
Williamson: That’s kinda harsh.
Jolie-Pitt: Best case scenario, she lands a supporting role in a Lifetime
movie someday…if she’s lucky. Such a loser.
Suddenly, Jolie-Pitt takes a needle out of her purse, and plunges it
into her cheek.
Williamson: Oh my god, is that…Botox?
Jolie-Pitt: Yeah, dummy. I don’t want wrinkles when I’m
8.
Williamson: 8 what?! Weeks? You’re a newborn! You won’t
have wrinkles for decades!
Jolie-Pitt: Can never start too soon. Anyway, listen I’ve gotta
run. Meeting my fiancé for lunch.
Williamson: Fiancé?! How is that even possible?!
Jolie-Pitt: Let’s talk soon though. Love the site. Huge fan.
Williamson: It hasn’t even launched. This was supposed to be for
my bio.
Jolie-Pitt: Whatever.
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