Local Man Brushes Teeth Really Fucking Hard Right Before Dentist Appointment

CALIFORNIA—Dennis Candell knew his Dentist appointment was rapidly approaching on Wednesday morning so he started brushing his teeth aggressively a couple hours before his yearly check-up with Dr. Mendivo, a doctor who's been known to come down on his teeth patients for not brushing regularly.


"He always asks me questions like, 'how often have you been brushing?' or 'Have you been flossing at night like I told you?' which is so annoying," complained Dennis, former gypsy cab driver turned street performer. "This time, I'm ready for him because I've been brushing all morning long, extra hard in fact -- and I'm even going to use some Listerine mouthwash right before I walk into my 2:30 appointment."

Dennis would not confess how much he had been brushing the last 6 to 12 months but he did admit he has yet to use floss, nor does he plan to -- even if the Dr. makes him feel like shit again or even if he has a fuck load of cavities. "He always tells me stories about how he keeps his teeth so pearly white. How he brushes after every meal and even keeps floss in his glove box so at red lights he can get his floss on. I mean, don't get me wrong, that's super-efficient but also really nasty. I'm sure he drives a nice car but I wouldn't want to borrow it and drive a steering wheel that has tooth decay and gum juice all over it. Seriously. That's fucking gross."

We caught up with Dr. Mendivo to get his side of the story. "I can give two shits if Dennis or whoever you're talking about brushes or flosses their yellow ass teeth. Honestly, the economy is so bad right now I hope that piece of shit needs a root canal, crown, and braces to boot," scoffed Dr. Mendivo while he flossed his bicuspids furiously during our interview.

"If you guys are done here I'm going back to my office to read this month's edition of Golf Magazine. I'm hoping there's something in there about Tiger Woods and his careless driving."